


Sherlock's Self-Loathing

by inevitably_johnlocked



Series: I-J's Sherlock Meta Series [11]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Episode: s02e01 A Scandal in Belgravia, Episode: s03e01 The Empty Hearse, M/M, Meta, Misunderstandings, Mutual Pining, Pining Sherlock, Self-Esteem Issues, Sherlock Theories, Sherlock's Past, TJLC | The Johnlock Conspiracy, Tumblr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-08
Updated: 2015-10-08
Packaged: 2018-04-24 18:35:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,975
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4930681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inevitably_johnlocked/pseuds/inevitably_johnlocked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A discussion about Sherlock’s apparent self-loathing, and his confusion about John’s rejection in TEH given what he overheard at Battersea in ASiB.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sherlock's Self-Loathing

**Author's Note:**

> **_FIRST PUBLISHED JANUARY 24/15_**  
>  Original Meta Can be found at my blog here: [Sherlock's Self-Loathing](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/109026531040/i-was-thinking-about-how-sherlock-overheard-irene)  
> Additional Meta Excerpts from [Deducing BBC Sherlock](http://deducingbbcsherlock.tumblr.com/post/81261117384/hi-ive-just-discoreved-this-site-and-im-so)  
> 
> 
> * * *
> 
> A Nonny asked if I thought by _TEH_ Sherlock's self-esteem was in the crapper, especially after John's denial of him. This is mostly an observational meta into their relationship arc. It's such a beautiful thing.
> 
> * * *

> Anonymous asked:  
>  **_I was thinking about how Sherlock overheard Irene saying he and John's a couple and John didn't deny it, so when he came back in TEH he was surprised that John-who-love-him moved on without him. Idk maybe that's where the self loath came from_**  
> 

OOOOO, Nonny, this is a very interesting point! And one I am going to expand upon because I love reading Sherlock’s character _(and I’d rather write a meta than do actual paying work, LOL)!_ And I’m going to get to talk about my favourite of Johnlock things, Pining!Sherlock. Stay with me now, you’ll see how I connect it. 

I’ve always read Sherlock as one who had _(and possibly still HAS)_ a very low self-esteem, probably due to being a bit of an outcast who’s not ever been appreciated for his talents. This is made clear in _ASiP_ by Sally calling him a ‘Freak’ _(though I think there is a deeper history between the two characters, but that’s a whole other theory)_ and during the first cab scene when Sherlock deduces John and John subsequently expresses his fascination. Sherlock’s “weirdness” is reaffirmed again in _TBB_ by the character of Sebastian Wilkes _(which also leads me to believe he was treated unfavourably in his Uni years due to his sexuality / possible desire to be noticed / boredom, but another time maybe)_. He uses his sociopathy label to hide from everyone and everything, and as a defence mechanism uses his sharp tongue and puts up walls to not have to deal with “feelings” ever again. After 30+ years of dealing with all of this _(plus his previous drug issues and things that may have happened in his childhood which we are yet to see)_ , I’m sure that by the time we meet him in _ASiP_ he’s probably feeling the weight of everything in his life, and the only thing keeping him going is Lestrade’s encouragement and “The Work”. 

It’s also been suggested that Sherlock [may have been suicidal](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/101965681435/nixxie-fic-07-deleted-scenes-from-the) shortly before John’s arrival. The beauty of Sherlock and John’s story is that they have both come into each other’s lives when they each needed each other the most; suddenly, along comes this strange little discharged army doctor with a limp who _DOESN’T_ call Sherlock a freak when he starts deducing said doctor’s life story; marvels at his deductions of the Pink Lady; finds out about his prior drug habit, gets kidnapped by his over-protective brother, invades the doctor’s personal space and that same doctor _STILL_ moves in with him; _AND THEN_ the doctor kills a man for him! Sherlock most certainly cannot believe his luck by the end of _ASiP_. So by the time _ASiB_ rolls around, John and Sherlock are very close, at least platonically: facing death together in _TGG_ and surviving certainly cemented their friendship. 

_ASiB_ is an interesting episode. It’s one I really had a hard time grasping until I read a lot of meta on it _(I recommend[ **this one**](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/108384903660/hi-ive-just-discoreved-this-site-and-im-so), as it is the one that made me feel MUCH better about Irene’s character as a good thing for Johnlock)_ mainly because I wasn’t as familiar with the use of subtext as I am now, nor was I as deep into the fandom. This episode is SO loaded with subtext that they _STATE IT RIGHT IN THE EPISODE_ from John’s own mouth, albeit offhandedly. It’s an episode where Sherlock is learning about sexuality, romance, and their fluidity. But Sherlock is confused possibly by these strange things he’s feeling for John, so at this point in the overall story I don’t think he really knows what _HE_ wants. Remember, to him, love is a vicious motivator in many of the murders he investigates, so he probably has a very negative view of what true love really is, and probably is refusing to call what he’s feeling love. If you’ll notice, after Sherlock realizes Molly was in love with him at Christmas, he stopped being callous and conniving with her the rest of the series: He was blindsided about the fact that people just may actually like him for being himself. So when Sherlock hears Irene’s declaration of his and John’s coupleness and John’s not-denial of her “look at us both”, Sherlock’s head is in a weird space – for the first time this series, his eyes have been opened to John’s feelings for him. **[deducingbbcsherlock](http://deducingbbcsherlock.tumblr.com/)** [explains the transition perfectly](http://deducingbbcsherlock.tumblr.com/post/81261117384/hi-ive-just-discoreved-this-site-and-im-so):  


> _It’s so literal. John’s pained, emotional face. Fade to black. Suddenly Sherlock appears, opening his eyes – indicating he’s thinking about John. That’s how transitions work. This isn’t just fade to black, next scene. The music is swelling, this is climactic, a realization. Sherlock’s eyes are literally and metaphorically opening thanks to what he just overheard, and viewers jumped to the conclusion that it was Irene’s admitting her feelings for him that led to this. But it’s not Irene he’s thinking of. It’s John. She’s not even a part of the transition._
> 
> _[…] At Battersea, Irene forced John to confront his feelings for Sherlock. John didn’t deny them. Sherlock heard this and his mind was blown._

Now, let me reiterate my stance on this: I don’t think Sherlock knew John was _IN LOVE_ with him until season 3, but he knew at this point that he was the most important person in John’s life, and that’s got to mean something, right? This episode, Sherlock’s been forced to face his long-buried emotions after realizing the importance of John in _TGG_ , then comes to realize that John _may_ just think of him as more than a brain with legs. He always thought John saw him only as a colleague _(because John shot him down in_ TBB _when Sherlock suggested they were friends)_ , but then John started doing things that really confused his definition of colleague vs. friend and then Battersea happens. He’s been [fighting with his own feelings all episode](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/108296667960/would-you-happen-to-know-why-we-keep-seeing) and it’s no wonder he ends up beating the shit out of a CIA guy who threatened his not-housekeeper-but-might-as-well-be-his-mother because _TOO MANY EMOTIONS IN TOO LITTLE TIME STOP HURTING_. 

Following this episode, the Battersea incident probably gave Sherlock the courage to chance calling John his friend once again in _THoB (and John’s positive reaction then lets Sherlock also happily confess, probably without thinking, that John is his conductor of light…)._

Then Moriarty Part Deux and The Fall happen. 

Now, I’m sorry if it seems I got a bit off track from your initial observation, but I thought it important to see how _I read his character_ to understand my answer and why I think his “loathing” is actually “pining”. 

It’s probably about three years in the show’s timeline between Battersea in _ASiB_ and Sherlock’s return in _TEH_. One thing I notice is that a lot of us forget about _Many Happy Returns_ happened during the Hiatus, mainly because it was a short webisode and was mostly played up for comedy value. However, I think it contains an important piece of evidence as to why Sherlock was so taken aback about the reunion: Sherlock thinks/knows all of John’s friends hate him, and he TOLD John that they hate him; He says he wrote an essay based on their suppressed hatred and gave it to John as a gift. Because of this, Sherlock feels he is John’s ONLY true friend _(“Look John, all your friends don’t like you, but I do, so don’t go to this silly birthday party and spend your birthday with me! I’ll do things you actually like doing like solving crimes and chasing criminals”)_ , therefore John must be bored and lonely and he’s going to be delighted when Sherlock returns! 

Except he’s not, and suddenly Sherlock is sad and confused and thinks John has replaced him with Mary _(which, in a way, he HAS)_. To bring us to your point, Sherlock can’t really understand why John has pushed him away because doesn’t he care about Sherlock? They’re friends right? This was always how they were with each other… and now for some reason John is angry with him, not delighted like he thought. Eventually they make up but their dynamic has changed. 

I think Sherlock’s time away made him realize the value and importance of friendship and love, which is why he lets John have his space upon returning. 

See, I don’t think he knew John was **in love** with him. **_At all_**. Because I believe that _SHERLOCK himself_ thought John was straight. Sherlock is genuinely shocked in _TSo3_ at John telling him that John “loved and cared” about him _(though,[I think Sherlock may have misunderstood John](http://inevitably-johnlocked.tumblr.com/post/103319251390/love-by-proxy-why-marys-good-for-johnlock))_ , in turn causing him to go into a short mental shutdown. I truly believe that Sherlock did not realize John had feelings for him prior to the fall [until the best man speech](http://loudest-subtext-in-television.tumblr.com/post/72857969693/what-is-love-anyway-or-how-sherlock-holmes-deduced). Oh sure, he knows they’re friends, and knows John cares a great deal about him. But _best friends_ is a HUGE step up in Sherlock’s world, because he _NEVER_ thought he could be anyone’s best _ANYTHING_ because of the type of person he thinks he is _(a sign that yes, he does have a very low opinion of himself even this far in their relationship)_. 

And it’s during the best man speech at which Sherlock realizes that John _actually is bisexual_ , actually had been attracted to Sherlock since the beginning, and may have been in love with him once. Which is when everything started to go to pot for Sherlock because _DAMN IT_ Sherlock now realized what this _THING_ he’s been feeling for John all this time is and now it’s seemingly too late. 

I wholeheartedly believe Sherlock has been pining for John since day one – and if not day one, then _DEFINITELY_ by _TBB_ – but he didn’t know _WHAT_ it was he was feeling, at least not until _TRF_. Perhaps at first it was genuine elation at finally having someone around who could tolerate him, and in turn he became very attached to John, which was, judging by other characters’ reactions to John being around, _HIGHLY_ out of character for Sherlock. Perhaps Sherlock himself thought it was just his addictive personality that made him crave John’s presence, though I’m sure by _Reichenbach_ , he knew it was some form of deep emotional attachment, possibly love. His time away only made his longing for John’s companionship stronger because now that he has experienced friendship then loneliness so the pining becomes a little worse. He gets John back, but John’s not _FULLY HIS_ like he once was, which makes the aching a _LITTLE MORE_ painful. It’s not until he realizes John _WAS_ indeed attracted to Sherlock as more than friends that Sherlock realizes that not only does Sherlock LOVE John, but he is **IN LOVE** with John. 

**TL;DR _(and thank you if you read all of that)_ :** It’s quite possible the two events exacerbated his self-loathing, but I really don’t think it’s really self-loathing in S3 in the same veil as he was in _ASiP_. It’s not hating himself for who he is anymore by _HLV_. Sherlock hates himself for realizing too late _(or so he thinks)_ about John’s sexuality and previous infatuation with him, and rather than dealing with that, he decides, well, what’s the point. I’ve ALWAYS thought Sherlock has pined harder for John, than John ever has for him, largely due to the fact that Sherlock realizes he _could have had what he wanted_ , but now he can’t, and surely that’s enough to make anyone hate themselves, especially when they are one of the most observant people in the world and they couldn’t even figure out their own best friend’s intentions. 

And now as I reread this, I’m seeing I went all over the place, but I hope I touched upon your point, Nonny. If anyone cares to expand upon or offer a different view for Nonny, have at it! :) 


End file.
